I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
ME: Colman Domingo would make a great Hermes in the Hadestown movie
GUY WHO I’M TRAPPED IN A CAVE WITH: cool but I meant ideas about how we get out of this cave
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT