I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”
workin bro its a thursday
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
aesthetic
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Sharon, call the vet
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.