I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏