I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
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Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Stop sending me this shit.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.