“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
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Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?