“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
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SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Growing up was a huge mistake
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
The cashier just checked me out.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately