I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
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Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours