I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
adding to the discourse
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.