Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first

[During sex]

Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting

Me: It helps me in bed

Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS

I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..

Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

James Blunt: you’re beautiful

James Blunter: I’ve seen better

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Ha.

I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.

No matter how spicy your sex life is …

If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …

would bay to leaf him.

I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.

Just to repeat: in a lift.

Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while

Me: I had a cold

Them: it’s been 7 months

Me: I had a lot of colds

Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

3am

Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?

Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function