Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

Him: I’m really into clean eating.

Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead

This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him

Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

Phones down.

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow