I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
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JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
tfw you realize …
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.