I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬