I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
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Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I’m going to need a moment here.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?