Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

*drops cheese*

You: Five second rule!

Pet owners: lol

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.

god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.

Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science

[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

I’m pretty like a car crash.