Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.

Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.

Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.

For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.

doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom

Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.

me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*

wife: that’s better.

me: *puts on formal hulk hands*

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go