I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.