I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
She knows her part so well!
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
but that was my emotional support daylight
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
This could’ve been an email.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”