I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
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[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
my one true gender
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”