I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
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Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
But I really needed water water water
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”