I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
You Might Also Like
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
want me to check your oil?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.