I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
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interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
A fake ID that makes you younger
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
how to have fun when you’re poor
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.