Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!

Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.

Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Camping tip: No.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”

trivia

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.

The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.

“We know, dear.”

My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”

My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

I need a treadmill with a reward system.

Run 10k, here’s a pizza.

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

“I hope this email finds you well”

The email finding me

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.