Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.

{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}

I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga

Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail

I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.

Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.

“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.

Me: Just call me loaded fries!

Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉

Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.

Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.

Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers

Yes 😂

My support group can outdrink your support group.

bad
worse
worst
worchester

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

her: there’s a spider in the bath

me: ok I’ll get him a little towel

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”

Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”