I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
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What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.