I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.
Boy…💀💀💀💀
You Might Also Like
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.