Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.

Dog: I have mange

Baby Jesus: I have manger

Dog: It’s not a competition

this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD

I love you to the refrigerator and back

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

Me: I will never work for my boss again…

She: Why? What did he say to you??

Me: ‘You are Fired’

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.

Me: What was your objective?

12: To be done with my school project.

Nailed it.

*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture

Me: Floor Is Lava??

12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it

Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.

Thank you 🥹

Cardio Made Easy

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

DOG 911: what’s your emer-

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING

DOG 911: so?

DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG