I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
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[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.