Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle

Him: I’m drowning in bills

Me: You should sign up for paperless

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

“How’s the diet going?”

I beep when I back up now.

Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.

HER: how is remote learning going

ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935

[space station]

me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty

her: seriously?

me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar

[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip

Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on

welcome back

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”