I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.