I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
You Might Also Like
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere