I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Running from your problems is cardio .
when someone says they don’t like reading books, im like cool, you do you psycho
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed