I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
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So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Batman v Dracula
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?