I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
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I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
