I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.