I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.