I let 3 eat a butter packet, telling myself “meh, that wrapper is helping him work on fine motor skills”

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You might think you’re smart until you try using someone else’s microwave.


I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair


I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.


One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes


Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy


I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold


*takes your compliment*

*stares nervously at it*


Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.


Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?