I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
do u think theres a butter planet?
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”