Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.

7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today

6yo: Ok!

Me: *holy shit yessss*

7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD

Me: Right. Of course.

“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”

TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

What a chick magnet..

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?

Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws

vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian

every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish