I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
“you changed” bro i was 15
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Grandmother clock.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place