I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Optional boss fight.
Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t