I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
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Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
*ernest hemingway voice*
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water
me looking at the christmas cookie tray:
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog