I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
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4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time