I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Me when I try to be useful
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).