@SkinnerSteven

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

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@Brianhopecomedy

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

@lazerdoov

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

@DrakeGatsby

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

@VinnieLovelace

Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores

@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

@thatdutchperson

[remodel]

Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?

Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.

@TankCesar

Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”

I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”

@danielvisme

I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.

If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.

@KevinFarzad

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it