I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Saw a guy with a barcode tattoo on his neck. Scanned it with my RedLaser app & he couldn’t believe I found him cheaper on 3 online stores
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me: can you please keep that awful noise down?
Contractor: for the last time, sir, we don’t control who’s running for president.
Saw an ad on Craigslist “Radio, $1, volume stuck on high.”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down.”
I’m not staying up all night to get lucky.
If it doesn’t happen by midnight, I’m going to bed.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it