I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Ugh but profoundly
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.