Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

synchronized noseblowing

Friend: Does Jesus live in you?

Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.

Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.

Her: No filter!

Me: Add one tho

Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?

I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.

Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.

Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.

FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?

Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?

[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life

[first date]

Him: What are you passionate about?

Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.

Him: Animals?

Me: Haha. Sure…

If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you

*Puts on angry eyebrows*

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have