I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him

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The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue


Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.

Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.


Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please

Bank: sorry no

Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there

Bank: ok thats not really how this works

Me: omg this is daylight robbery


“We hug and kiss, but people just don’t lick each other.”

-yet another lie I just told my toddler


waiter: would you like a soup or salad?

clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please

waiter: alri-

clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man


Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.


REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho