The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
You Might Also Like
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
For the baby who has everything
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
“We hug and kiss, but people just don’t lick each other.”
-yet another lie I just told my toddler
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Diversity: “I have a boyfriend”