I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Day 2 of my diet
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.