Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?

Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them

when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then

Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense

LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name

ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack

When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Me: the vacuum broke

Husband: that sucks

Me: no it doesn’t

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*

Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?

I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

I didn’t know they can drive…

“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.

Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.