Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.

Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”

My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

My ex left because I “lack imagination”.

“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.

ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?

FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!

ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20

look scared

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?

A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

Frog purse.

This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”