I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
The symmetry is uncanny.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!