Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off

people do NOT like that joke

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

mcdonalds: may I take your order

cronus: I’ll have the kids meal

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.

I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?

ME: doesn’t ring a bell

Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?

Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!

Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland

Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145

If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:

1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”

They inhale deeply…

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Miscakes

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.