I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
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*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
How do you milk an almond?
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Time for evil
