Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

who’s gonna tell her?

boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid

I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.

Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]

When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep

my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life

Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.

Me: *they’re.

I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely