Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Sometimes people without kids see a mom out with her kids and are like “wow she makes that look easy” but not me. I come to your cookout with my children and make you say “oh my GOD we are never having children”

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.

Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.

Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?

FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS

SE: -on your sub?

ME: PUPPERONI

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Mad Max: Furry Road

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/