Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life

My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?

God: love it, it’s done!

[3 days later]

Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?

God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.

[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]

*professional stuntman do not attempt*

“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”

“But sir. This is a library.”

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go

A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

“you live and you learn” brother I don’t want to do either of those things

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

DOOO EEEET

I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.

in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs

Word of the Day: No

Please use it in a sentence: No.

Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.

Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.