Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

Him: I’m an dog person

Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Me: How many legs does the dog have?

4 y.o: Five

Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.

4: There’s something wrong with the dog.

Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Um, yes, I love this place. How much is the deposit?

“Ma’am, this is a psych ward.”

Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

noooooo don’t hurt yourself

let me do it

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.

[a robber breaks into my house]

me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him

my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]

me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho

Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo