i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
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The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
bought wrong eggs
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Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks