I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
You Might Also Like
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“get a life”? have you seen some of the lives out there?
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.