I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
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me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
How to walk around a museum
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”