I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here