I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
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when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups