I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.