I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
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[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I always tell my pets I love them more than the Atlantic so they can better understand the immensity.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial.
They have free will.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it