I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
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Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
