I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
You Might Also Like
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
What fresh Hell is this?!?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Mountain Goat : )
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
WHY would you be happy about this?