I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
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Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.