I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
You Might Also Like
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
They grow up so quick
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
that lip filler tho
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”