Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19

me: thats okay *hits accept*

amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?

Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?

Wife: What?

Me: What?

Communication is hard

My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?

BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not

Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎

me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]