Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.

So I bought a second pair.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

how to have fun when you’re poor

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out

You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?

LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.

DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?

[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!